Wednesday, May 4, 2011

my life in a flashback

I tend to push away people from my life. Even those people that I'm really close to or those very special people to me. I don't know why but that's kind of a new realization for me too.

Is it because I don't know how to value people? Is it because of my lack of confidence or just me wanting to actually drift away from too much drama from those people?

It actually sucks. It sucks specially when I finally realized that I'm suddenly alone, that I don't have friends anymore. It sucks knowing that people actually let you drift away from them, that they actually thought that's what you want them to do. It sucks knowing that you're just not someone people would choose over the others.

I used to have a lot of friends. I used to be a part of a popular barkada in school. People know our group and of course they know me. I used to smile a lot because of them, but I wasn't the clown of the group, I just smile because of them, I talk when I need to or when I just want to, I was weird, I am weird, that's something that won't probably leave me until I die. I used to think that my friends are my life, I actually attended school so that I can be with them, I loved them more than my life, more than my family. I know that's stupid, but that's how much I treasured our friendship, I thought of them as the people I would grow old with, I even planned my life with them, but sadly, people change, everything does. One day you'll just realize that you're actually nothing to them, you don't matter at all. You'll feel pathetic because everything you've believed in would suddenly be gone. My life crushed, my life got ruined, I cried, I got mad, but that's pretty normal, right?

Maybe that is the reason why I tend to leave people,the reason why I push them away. Maybe. Maybe because I know how it feels to be left behind. I hate that feeling. I hate it so much that I don't want to feel it again. I know it's a lame excuse too, but what can I do? This is something people that I loved and treasured a lot taught me. They let me be this person that I am now. This bitch right here.

This is also the reason why I don't trust anyone. Why I'd rather be alone than feel special for a moment and then feel the exact opposite the next. This is the reason why I suddenly became so talkative and funny around people,because I thought when you're someone that is like that then people will love you, they'll treasure you, they'll love you MORE. So I ended up changing my life. From some EMO freak to a CLOWN from a weird circus, but I hate the ME right now, I hate myself.

This is the exact reason why I cried today... Because I realized this... Because I realized this and again I felt so alone...

This is the reason why I feel bad right now. I really wanna keep my friends but I know that we'll drift apart anytime soon, because I'm actually starting to push them away. But I don't wanna do that. I want them to stay. I want to be friends with them until forever. Until we finally get to actually say that we're tired of each other, but I know that won't happen, because we're awesome like that... :')

I need help. I need them to realize how much I'm suffering from this. I need them to know that no matter how much I try to push them away, I don't really mean that. That I don't really want them to leave me. :'/

with love,Lileth

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