Monday, May 30, 2011

nostalgia

I saw a box full of letters from High school friends (well, mostly from May and Leny) and I suddenly miss them. I love re-reading letters because I like remembering those happy days, those carefree days.

So I'll share one or maybe two letters that May wrote for me, because I think it's special and sweet. Haha.

For U Beth,

Kamusta ka na (Ano na feelings mo ngayon)? Kaya me sumulat para na rin malaman mo kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. (Yung totoo lang) Leth - sa totoo lang talagang nitong mga nakaraang mga buwan na magkakasama tayo eh... ibang-iba ka na, ang dating Lilybeth na nakasama namin ni Daisy sa III-5 eh... ibang-iba na talaga. Noon sabi ko sa sarili ko na sige kaya kong intindihin ang ugali mo. Pero ang akala kong pagbabago mng ugali mo (pagiging suplada at kung makapagsalita eh... parang wala kang nasasaktan) ay sandali lang at babalik uli yong taong animong di makabasag pinggan sa katahimikan, di ko sinasabing wag kang magsalita pero ibang-iba na talaga ang pinapakita mo sa amin kahapon. Kahit di ko tinatanong sinabi nyang bakit daw ganyan na ang ugali mo (kaklase natin sya, oh I mean sila) pero sabi ko hindi ko alam sinabi ko rin na oo napapansin ko rin yon at sabi nila bakit daw kay Geraldyn ka na sumasama at di na sa amin, sagot ko naman hindi ko hawak ang buhay mo, di ko alam kung dapat kong sabihin to. Pero gusto ko ring malaman, ano ba talaga ang gusto mong pag-isipan? Bakit kailangang, a, basta yun na yon. Beth sana malaman ko agad kung bakit ka nagkakaganyan "ASAP" at gusto ko rin na magkaharapharap tayo mamayang uwian o pagkatapos mo na basahin 'tong sulat ko. Tsaka itong sulat eh... para lang sayo wala nang ibang dapat na makabasa dahi hindi ko binibigyan ang kahit na sinong tao na maialam at magbasa nitong sulat dahil personal na sulat ko 'to para lang talaga sayo.

'Till then.

P.S. Hihintayin ko ang oras na magu-usap tayo.

May M. (Black Dragon)

Wow. Didn't know I was a total bitch to them back then. I sure did a lot of stupid things when I was 15. Haha. I also wonder what that thing I was trying to figure out. I do remember drifting apart from our barkada back then and joining another one with one member of that barkada too and another classmate but I honestly don't remember being bitchy with them. I mean, why would I do that? I wanna know too. I have a memory of a fish, so I don't really remember everything.

I'm not sure if I should share this here but I just wanna do that right now. I hope May won't mind. I find this letter amusing, funny and entertaining. For some strange reason.

I love my high school friends. My high school years (2 years, at least) was the best because I actually had them to share my experiences with. Ahhh. Memories. :3



with love,Lileth

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

fucked up

my life is so fucked up right now to the point na all i can think about is ending my own life. not even joking. i just feel like continuing to live like this is like wasting a precious space for another person and i don’t like that feeling.













































i wanna die. i think that’s the only solution and answer to whatever this shit is happening to me now.






with so much hate in the world, Lileth

Monday, May 16, 2011

what's my name?

alam mo yung tuwang-tuwa ka dahil may isang prof mo na tinatawag ka sa palayaw mo. sya lang yata ang prof ko na tumatawag sa akin ng "Lileth". hindi naman sa gusto kong tawagin ako ng lahat nyan pero dahil sobrang taas ng respeto ko sa taong ito at natutuwa ako talagang malaman na yan ang tawag nya sa akin, hindi ba kapag komportable ka na sa isang tao sa palayaw mo sya tinatawag? :3

ako yung tao na kapag mataas respeto ko sayo, sayo ako pinakatakot, or lahat ba ng tao ganun? hmmm? :/ at oo, medyo takot ako talaga sa kanya. palagi kong iniisip kung ano kayang iniisip nya kapag nakikita nya ako, kung nagagalit ba sya sa sinasabi ko o anu pa man. kung tumatak ba ako sa kanya bilang mabuti o masamang tao.

masasabing kong isa si Ma'am Lala sa mga taong sobrang taas ng tingin ko. napakagaling na prof at napakabuting tao. :3 naalala ko yung napag-usapan namin nung isa kong kaibigan tungkol kay Ma'am. sabi namin, si Ma'am yung klase ng prof na kahit anong ituro nya sayo matututunan mo agad, na ang ganda ni Ma'am at mas lalo syang gumaganda kasi ang bait nya. sa kanya ko napatunayan yung, kapag maganda or mabait ka, lalo kang gaganda sa panlabas na kaanyuan mo. naks. lalim. pero hindi nga, seryoso. :3

salamat Ma'am, at Happy Birthday ulit :3


with love,Lileth

Sunday, May 8, 2011

my mom is perfect

Today is Mother's Day so it's just a given that I make a post about the most special woman in my life. My mom.

My mom is my hero. She's a very strong woman. I've never seen her cry,or at least I don't remember it, she got mad a lot of times and she's just like any other mom there is. She's beautiful, loving, caring, she provides for us, she think about us first before herself. Her smile is the most perfect smile I've ever seen. I can talk about her all day and not actually feel tired about it. I'm super proud and happy to have her as my mom, being her daughter is one big blessing God gave me and I will be forever thankful for that.

Nobody is perfect they say, but for me there is, of course that person is my mom. How can she not be perfect?

I love you Nanay.
Sorry for being such a huge stressor. I know I had let you down a lot of times already, I might actually give a lot of disappointments in the near future again, but I know whatever your decision will be by then, that's the right thing and I'll accept it. Thank you for loving me and for everything,seriously. I love you so much. :)

with love,Lileth

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

my life in a flashback

I tend to push away people from my life. Even those people that I'm really close to or those very special people to me. I don't know why but that's kind of a new realization for me too.

Is it because I don't know how to value people? Is it because of my lack of confidence or just me wanting to actually drift away from too much drama from those people?

It actually sucks. It sucks specially when I finally realized that I'm suddenly alone, that I don't have friends anymore. It sucks knowing that people actually let you drift away from them, that they actually thought that's what you want them to do. It sucks knowing that you're just not someone people would choose over the others.

I used to have a lot of friends. I used to be a part of a popular barkada in school. People know our group and of course they know me. I used to smile a lot because of them, but I wasn't the clown of the group, I just smile because of them, I talk when I need to or when I just want to, I was weird, I am weird, that's something that won't probably leave me until I die. I used to think that my friends are my life, I actually attended school so that I can be with them, I loved them more than my life, more than my family. I know that's stupid, but that's how much I treasured our friendship, I thought of them as the people I would grow old with, I even planned my life with them, but sadly, people change, everything does. One day you'll just realize that you're actually nothing to them, you don't matter at all. You'll feel pathetic because everything you've believed in would suddenly be gone. My life crushed, my life got ruined, I cried, I got mad, but that's pretty normal, right?

Maybe that is the reason why I tend to leave people,the reason why I push them away. Maybe. Maybe because I know how it feels to be left behind. I hate that feeling. I hate it so much that I don't want to feel it again. I know it's a lame excuse too, but what can I do? This is something people that I loved and treasured a lot taught me. They let me be this person that I am now. This bitch right here.

This is also the reason why I don't trust anyone. Why I'd rather be alone than feel special for a moment and then feel the exact opposite the next. This is the reason why I suddenly became so talkative and funny around people,because I thought when you're someone that is like that then people will love you, they'll treasure you, they'll love you MORE. So I ended up changing my life. From some EMO freak to a CLOWN from a weird circus, but I hate the ME right now, I hate myself.

This is the exact reason why I cried today... Because I realized this... Because I realized this and again I felt so alone...

This is the reason why I feel bad right now. I really wanna keep my friends but I know that we'll drift apart anytime soon, because I'm actually starting to push them away. But I don't wanna do that. I want them to stay. I want to be friends with them until forever. Until we finally get to actually say that we're tired of each other, but I know that won't happen, because we're awesome like that... :')

I need help. I need them to realize how much I'm suffering from this. I need them to know that no matter how much I try to push them away, I don't really mean that. That I don't really want them to leave me. :'/



with love,Lileth